A married man fell in love: what to do. What will a married man do if he falls in love? He is married and has three children

“I have two children, I lived with my wife for more than 15 years. But it so happened that for 6 years now I have been in love with another woman. I'm really tired of deceiving my wife and I want a divorce. I don’t know how to make sure that it doesn’t hurt my wife too much, and try to at least remain not enemies. In any case, she is a good and dear person to me...”

“We have a child and a marriage that is 8 years old. Over the course of three years, I truly love another woman, my wife knows about this and does her best to restrain my impulses to leave the family. But I know that this is all serious, and I have very little time left to mature to take a responsible step.”

“I left as soon as I realized that I fell in love with someone else, because I think it’s much more honest than deceiving the mother of my children for several years. The divorce was very difficult, but we got through it, and after 5 years ex-wife forgave and understood me. I’m happy in my new marriage, I don’t regret anything.”

Here are just some excerpts from letters from our readers; the situation is not easy, would you agree? And what to do, what is the best way to act - decisively and irrevocably, or wait and hope for chance? Let's try to figure it out.

Let's start with the fact that the case when married man falling in love with another woman is not at all unique, and in order to try to answer the question “What to do and how to be?”, Let’s figure out why this happened.

Possible reasons, or what you lacked in your marriage:

• freedom or personal space;
• passion and love;
• care and respect;
• understanding and trust.

If a person constantly experiences at least one of the above, then someday as a result he will develop depression or a nervous condition. And this is quite normal if he wants a different attitude towards himself. And when a woman appears who does not limit him in all this, then, naturally, feelings arise.

What to do if you love someone else

Let's start with the fact that if you realized that you fell in love with another woman and can no longer give this feeling to your wife, then you will agree that you are acting dishonestly towards her. It turns out that you provided yourself with the choice to love and be loved, but you didn’t even provide it to your wife.

By hiding behind caring for the child, you are masking your fear of taking responsibility by saying that when the child grows up, he will not understand or forgive you. But remember, it has long been proven that in families where parents live without love, but only for the sake of raising a child, nothing good happens, and children only grow up with an unstable nervous system. Because children are more sensitive and receptive, and even without understanding what exactly is happening between their parents, they feel coldness, lack of love, tension, etc. And from this they begin to suffer greatly and attribute the blame for what is happening to themselves. So it’s better to choose honesty, and explain to the child that mom and dad are breaking up because they no longer love each other. But this has nothing to do with him, as they loved him, they will continue to treat him, and besides, dad, for example, can be called at any time.

Nobody argues, the fork in the road is very difficult, and deciding where to stay is very difficult.

The first option for the development of events is to stay in the family, continue to live without loving and constantly think about another woman, who, by the way, will also be unhappy, suffer in silence and be afraid to make a choice. With your fear of hurting your wife and “punishing” her with the fact that she is not allowed to be near you, and the child, who will observe all the problems between the parents.

The second option is to take responsibility for the current situation, talk to your wife and child, and resolve financial and organizational issues. Allow your wife to meet another man, make the woman you love happy, and, in the end, find happiness yourself.

Well, now let's see what you have to comprehend, take into account and live in practice:

• Wife's reaction– few people accept such news calmly and with dignity, so no matter how balanced your spouse is, it’s quite normal to prepare for scandals, hysterics, slamming doors and throwing things from the balcony .
• The degree of your dependence on your spouse, her relatives and friends– if you depend on them in any way (income, career), then this is a big reason to think about it. Or urgently start looking for a replacement for all this.
• The attitude of your own parents and friends to this situation– it is quite possible that everyone will treat it as a law of life, but misunderstanding, alienation and open confrontation may arise.
• Number of children and their ages- it is clear that the more of them there are in a marriage and the younger they are, the more reproaches of conscience and not only you will have to endure.
• Children's attitude towards your care– if the kids already understand everything and are trying with all their might to leave you in the house, then you are faced with a difficult task; you will have to talk a lot and for a long time, convince, and look for a compromise.
• Your age – it will be much easier for a man from 23 to 40 years old to survive all this, but lovers over 40 years old should think three times already - is all this worth it or not?
• Health status– it is clear that the stronger your health, the more confident you will go into new life, but if you have some serious chronic illness or disability, then you should think twice about it. Will you really be accepted there with all these nuances, will you be looked after, etc.
• Own living space for further residence – This is also worth thinking about; it’s good, of course, if you or your wife have alternative housing, otherwise problems cannot be avoided.
• Income level- it’s much easier if you don’t have problems with this, but if you lived “close to each other”, then think about it, because in new family At first there will be even more expenses than now, plus alimony will be added.

Consider all these points, but remember that any obstacles and circumstances pale before true love and sincere relationships. Your task is to get out of the situation gracefully and with dignity, remain a man, a human being, and try to make the situation of your loved ones as easy as possible. There is only one life, and you must try to live it happily, which is what we wish for you!

What will a married man do if he falls in love? In fact, this question has been relevant at all times. There have always been wives and mistresses, and each wanted to understand whether she was the most important in a man’s life. Of course, this state of affairs cannot be called standard, but it is also not considered out of the ordinary.

What will a married man do if he falls in love? In fact, there may be many different options, depending on his character and circumstances. I will try to talk about the most popular variations on this theme.

Married man falling in love

First, you need to figure out whether this is really love, or perhaps the guy is just tired of some everyday problems and wants to relax on the side. But, a little time will pass, he will understand that he is tired of the games of free life and love, and he will return to his wife again, if, of course, she accepts him. In this case, the man cannot be called in love. Simply, in this way he is looking for an opportunity to escape from his everyday problems. Of course, it is easier to find a mistress who does not demand anything than to try to find solutions to the problem together with his wife.

But, there are other cases when a guy realizes that he really loves another woman, and the marriage was a stupid mistake. In this case, he can choose one of several options.

Not all men who fall in love leave the family. And their behavior cannot be called devotion. Loyal people do not offend or lie to those they value. Fear most likely plays a big role here. A person is simply afraid to change anything. He is already accustomed to this way of life, to his home and to the person who is nearby. N may not love his wife, but going somewhere means starting all over again. And for such men it’s easier to just go with the flow. They don't want to take on responsibilities or decide anything. They don't want to be held accountable for their actions. It is easier for such people to live in two families and be with an unloved person than to end their old life and start a new one. They even know how to find excuses for themselves in front of their mistress and promise that everything will change soon. For example, a man may talk about how his children need to grow up a little because it would be very stressful for them if their dad suddenly disappeared. Or, he needs to pay off a loan for an apartment (car, dacha, moped), and if he leaves, he will simply lose the opportunity to do this, his ex-family he will be left without a home or his wife will drag him through the courts. Also, a guy can assure a girl that his wife will simply die without him, that she is hysterical and will definitely commit suicide. But no one wants to take on such a sin. Especially if there are children in the family. By the way, men are also great at manipulating children. They talk about how the wife will definitely take revenge for leaving the family and will forbid him to see his beloved son or daughter. In fact, you need to run away from such men.

Moreover, both mistresses and wives. These people will never take responsibility for any of their actions. No matter who you are for him, he will hide behind your back and avoid making any decisions. If such men are asked a question bluntly, they try by all means to avoid answering and hush up the matter. Such people, in fact, are simply very comfortable living with two loving women. This is why they will never make their choice, which is why both of you will suffer from love and jealousy.

There is another type of men. They always know how to make choices and be responsible for what they say and promise. If such a man falls in love with another woman and understands. That he can no longer forget about her, usually he still leaves the family. Yes, of course, for the wife it is very painful and difficult to accept and survive, but still, the bitter truth is better than the sweet life. At least he doesn’t lie to her and gives her the opportunity to move on and seek her happiness. As they say: you cannot order your heart, therefore, no matter how bitter it is for girls, they must understand this. You shouldn’t try to keep a man, because this will make everyone suffer, including children, if you have any. No matter how painful it is, you must try to forgive and let go. The advantage of such guys is that they never give up on children. Even if a person leaves his family, children always remain the most important thing in life for him. A man will not spare money either for alimony or gifts. In addition, he will devote enough time to them, come to visit and do everything to be a full-fledged dad. If you find yourself in the role of a wife whom you left, never turn your children against their father and do not forbid them to see each other. This is stupid and completely wrong. No matter what happens between parents, children should never suffer, remember this well. No matter how much it pains you, if you know that the child is reaching out to his father, and he, in turn, wants to see him, do not traumatize the psyche of your beloved baby. Over time, it will become easier for you, but your broken psyche will have to be corrected for many years.

If you are a woman for whom a man leaves, also show wisdom and never be jealous of his children. This is stupid, wrong and leads to scandals and even separation. It's best if you try to be friends with his child. Of course, initially, most likely, he will treat you negatively. But there is nothing strange in this, because it is because of you that his mother suffers. But, if you can show patience and attention, be honest and sincere, over time, you will still become friends.

These two behavior options are probably the most popular answers to the question: what will a married man do if he falls in love? Of course, there are a wide variety of cases, and each person chooses his own model of behavior. But still, in most cases, a man either decides or fools both women all his life. And if yours is like that, then you should think a hundred times before staying with him.

Question for a psychologist:

Hello, I understand that what I write here is only for me to sort out, but I would like to hear the opinion of literate people.

And so, I am 28 years old, my wife is 32, we are currently married, but it is on the verge of collapse. My wife, despite being older than me, looks great and sexy. Everyone says she is younger than me. My wife and I have been together for 3 years, of which we dated for a year and have been married for two years. We have a daughter, she is 1.5 years old, I love her very much and do not like her. We live in abundance, we have everything we need, nice apartment, car, job, there are no problems with money, because... I don't have bad job and I earn good money, I support my family myself.

I have grown very cold towards my wife; I don’t have the same feelings that I had before. There is no intimate life with her either, for a month for sure. About 5 months ago I met another girl. We started an affair with her, and we didn’t even notice how we fell in love with each other. My wife felt that I had changed, that I had lost interest in her, but I lied to her and told her that everything was fine, I was just tired.

The girl I'm dating loves me very much and wants a further, serious relationship with me, but doesn't put pressure on me for it. I myself want a serious relationship with her, but I’m afraid of leaving the family, because... My daughter will be left without a father and I am very worried about this. I repeat, I love my daughter very much. I am sure that if it weren’t for her, my wife and I would definitely have divorced. She and I even talked about this topic. My wife says that let’s try everything all over again, at least for the sake of the child, but I have no desire to try, I’m drawn to someone else. The wife's parents are no longer alive. I only told my parents that I no longer have feelings for my wife and I want to get a divorce. Naturally, they don’t particularly approve of this, but they say it’s up to you to decide.

I honestly respect my wife, I value her as the mother of my child, as a person, as a woman, but I don’t love her, I love someone else and want to be with her.

Here's what to do in such a situation, step on your own throat, your feelings and stay with your wife, live without feelings and love for your wife, for the sake of your daughter, or live with the person you really love and want to be with him???

Psychologist Elena Nikolaevna Gladkova answers the question.

Hello, Alexander!

I’ll say right away that I personally am a supporter of people taking responsibility for their happiness and the happiness of those around them. Therefore, I consider the option “I can’t leave my wife because the child will be left without a father” as an irresponsible attitude towards the family in general, and towards children in particular. This is equivalent to what has been broadcast for so long by our " folk wisdom- “Out of sight, out of mind!”

Whatever your relationship with your current wife, a civilized attitude towards your common child can make his life not so difficult and the separation of his parents, if such a decision is made, he will be able to bear more easily, not reacting as painfully to the divorce itself as in cases where a child is made a hostage of unresolved issues between adults.

It is human nature to follow your desires to be happy, to be loved. And if it just so happens that all this is not in today’s relations, then it is more honest and correct for all participants to discuss the current situation and accept the right decision, which could satisfy everyone. But! Here, as always, this notorious “BUT!” arises. The inability of one or all participants in the current situation to analyze all the pros and cons of such a decision, resentment or anger at the partner, the intervention of well-wishers in the conflict itself can provoke the development of that very “uncivilized” option, when the child will suffer the most from the situation and become a hostage or even worse, a tool for partners to influence each other. Here, material claims can emerge, which will instantly cool all the love for the child from one of the parents, and human claims at the psychological level, when unspoken grievances or the inability to cope with the situation itself will lead to aggressive actions such as bans on a meeting with one of the parents, setting the child up against one or all participants in the conflict, and the inability to cope with difficulties will also cause aggression directed at the child, as a substitute for the offender, which also does not contribute to the happy development and formation of personality. In general, the situation can develop according to numerous scenarios! And which one will become yours and your wife’s will depend only on how you can behave in this situation. Of course, a lot also depends on your other half, but if you manage to convince her that you will be ready to continue to bear your share of responsibility for your common child and this will not affect your relationship with him, then perhaps you will be able to stay even though not family, but good friends when the bitterness from the losses subsides. I would like to say that special attention should be paid to the child himself. It just seems that they are small and do not understand anything. Their level of emotional empathy is quite high and therefore they acutely feel changes in their parents’ relationships; they do not need to understand this in words, they already feel it. But the not yet formed ability to analyze what is happening and a certain self-centeredness of children leads to the fact that they often begin to consider themselves to blame for the fact that their parents separated. And with these calculations of theirs, they suffer the most, especially if the parents could not explain to him that this is not so, that this happens between parents, but this is in no way his fault and the fact that he is this great happiness for both spouses .

Due to my work, I am faced with various life situations and their solutions in people's lives. But I have never met happy people who decided to stay with unloved people. This did not make any of these families happy, neither adults nor children, for whose sake the family was preserved, because in such families there was no trust between partners and family members, because indifference spread like a dangerous infection to all its members. But in my practice there were people who were able to become happy and raise children resistant to stress and life's challenges, successful and loving only because they were able to provide them with that level of trust between former partners and respect for others and their desires, which is so necessary for in order to be happy in life.

Thank you, Dmitry, for your answer.
And my wife and I have the following problems. We continue to live with my mother. Although their relationship is quite normal, this greatly interferes. I think this is clear, without further explanation. The rest of the problems stem from my relationship with my wife. Since we met and started living together, she has changed a lot. She was more cheerful, cheerful, and sociable. And it changed because of me, because... I am a different person in character. I don't like noisy people big companies, I prefer to spend evenings at home, etc. She sacrificed this for me. I can’t say that this is unpleasant for me, but it doesn’t make me very happy either. We also have different characters. I live by emotions. I prefer openness. I want to solve problems immediately and together. She is a more private person. He prefers to experience everything within himself and then, perhaps, discuss it. I am a quick-tempered person, but I quickly calm down. My temper almost never leads to scandals, and if I’m wrong, I’ll definitely admit it. After the first time, she won’t fit the second time. He says: you will be nervous. But this is not so. It all depends on the presentation and the situation. Besides, I, by nature, try to achieve something, to develop in something. She is basically lacking initiative. She doesn't care much. There are almost no hobbies. Mostly track and go with the flow. We have virtually no common interests. And the worst thing for me is that we didn’t notice a lot, didn’t pay attention, or simply left it as it was; I may not have fully understood, but she thought for a long time and didn’t talk to me about it. And now I'm afraid that our feelings have cooled down and are steadily turning into a habit. The habit of being together, living together, but not love. And most of all I'm afraid living together, slipped into everyday life. Because of my character and soul, I need emotions and feelings. I want to love and be loved, despite the fact that I am a man. And although I haven’t known the other girl for long, I was very attracted to her character, her inner strength. She tries to make her own life, and not live according to circumstances. She's strong. I've experienced a lot in life. And I managed to show her what she was missing. And she misses simple human love. To be loved as she is. Sincerely. And, to be completely honest, her external data also attracts me more. Perhaps I had been less correct, I would not have loved my wife, if my wife had been different from what she is, it would have been much easier for me to make a decision. And so, I try not to hurt anyone, forgetting that I am hurting myself. Besides, I have no idea of ​​abandoning my wife, much less my child, to the mercy of fate. If I have to leave, I would like to remain on friendly terms