How to refuse without feeling guilty. How to refuse someone

I often hear from friends and clients that it can be very difficult to say “no”: it is difficult to refuse some persistent applicant. And it seems like you don’t want to do what they ask, and because of this you have to somehow limit yourself or change your plans, or some kind of situation will develop at work, which is inconvenient... but still, you can’t dare to refuse. What is this - a weakness of character? Low self-esteem? Desire to please everyone? Inability to defend your opinion?

No. More precisely, the reasons may be different: someone is convinced that they will offend the applicant with their refusal, someone feels initially obliged to this person, someone believes that showing aggression is indecent. Some people don’t even understand why “I always do everything to everyone’s detriment and feel like complete crap.” When it comes to unwanted requests in a working relationship, there are so many complications involved that the feeling of “he is my boss” alone is worth it. Although it also happens the other way around: subordinates pin their requests on the leader. And he takes them and sits with them until the evening neurosis in the office.

Let's immediately discard the options when you can and want to respond to a request, that is, the request is appropriate, justified, and environmentally friendly for you (in the sense that you are actually able to fulfill it, and there is no need to fly to Mars). This only applies to cases where you do not want to comply with this request. Well, you don’t want to lend money again, especially since you lent it twice before, and so far you haven’t seen the money back. Well, you don’t want to take your neighbor’s cat in for a week while your neighbor is away. You don’t want to do this work again, which your colleague should actually do, and you don’t seem to want to spoil your relationship with her, so you’ll be harnessed to her again. That's what we're talking about.

How to say “no” and not feel guilty?

Firstly, it is a misconception that “no” is unjustified aggression, pettiness, and an insult to others. More precisely, “no” is the protection of your boundaries: personality, freedom, employment, physical body, in the end. Let's imagine for a moment this analogy: a state border. Border guards with dogs and machine guns periodically walk back and forth along it. Some kind of surveillance may be underway. Somewhere there is a checkpoint, somewhere there is barbed wire. And then suddenly there is an attack from outside: a group of armed men is trying to cross the border. Are the actions being taken to stop them unjustified aggression towards the violators? Is this petty? Is this offensive to them? It is clear that no.

Another thing is that you can place these border guards, dogs, checkpoints every centimeter, wrap everything with barbed wire, scatter mines along the entire border, and God forbid some bird flies or the wind blows - immediately there will be half a day of shooting and explosions. This way, no one is guaranteed to ever get to you. So you will sit alone in your room. For preventive purposes, it is possible to periodically set dogs on passers-by or conduct military exercises in the direction of other states and test new bombs on their territory. So they will be afraid of you and are also unlikely to interfere, because they are reluctant to be friends with you. I'm not talking about such options now. If someone needs to protect themselves so much, or vice versa, to test the protection of others so much - please, I’m not talking about that. I’m talking about normal, democratic coexistence of neighboring states on equal terms, when one of the states tries to use the resources of another state, but it is against it.

Secondly, you are refusing not the person personally, but his request. Separate these two concepts. Again, let’s imagine your colleague comes and says: please give me a thousand before my salary? You never know for some reason you don’t want to lend her money. Remember that in fact, you have nothing against this colleague, she is a nice girl with her cockroaches (and who doesn’t have them), but you just don’t want to give her money. So refuse this request. And not the girl.

Thirdly, there is no need to apologize or make excuses. You can explain your position, but you should not apologize or make excuses. “Sorry that we can’t let you in,” say the border guards, looking down guiltily. “We would be happy to let you through...but we are on a leash and muzzled...Sorry. Next time we will definitely. Please forgive me,” the dogs say, lowering their muzzles guiltily. And a group of armed comrades, meanwhile, slowly makes their way deeper, remembering that such mumblers live here. How can I explain without making excuses - “I can’t help you with this project now, because I have a meeting in half an hour and need to get ready.” Or: “I can’t lend you money, because I’ve already given it to you twice and you haven’t paid it back yet.” Or “I can’t go to the bar with you because I want to go home, I’m tired and there’s a lot to do at home.”

Fourthly, do not overestimate the possible damage from your refusal. They didn’t let a group of armed people into the territory, they went home, poor things, they fell to the ground, broke their weapons, cried, and never, ever came to you again. Or they stopped considering you their friend. (Seriously? And before that, when they were going to take advantage of you, they actually took advantage of you best friend did you think? Out of friendly motives they ask for money, something like: “I’ll help my friend now, I’ll ask him to borrow money, but I won’t give it back.”)

Fifth, when you say “no,” do not show with your body that you are “yes.” “Passing is prohibited!” - the border guards shouted, pointing with their hands and heads where they could safely pass by. No, no, no, and you don’t have to nod your head.

Well, purely technical techniques:

rephrase the request (“Do you want me to go with you to Ikea on Saturday and help you choose a closet?”). This will give you time to consider whether you want to comply with this request or not. In addition, you will thereby let the petitioner know that you heard and understood his request. That is, you clearly don't give a damn. If you can’t decide right now, take your time, say that you’ll call back, come back later, think about it in the evening, etc.

• if it’s for work, try thanking them for contacting you. “Thank you for coming to me with this problem.” This will help you create the impression that you are actually responsive and considerate to others.

after rephrasing and thanking you, you probably already know by now whether you want to do it or not. If you don’t want to, justify why: desires, possibilities, preferences. Aloud. “I’m going to go to the dacha on Saturday, so I won’t have time to go to Ikea with you.” “The last time I helped you on this project, I came home very late at night, I don’t want to do that anymore.” If you still don’t understand whether you want to meet halfway or not: see point one of technical techniques

Actually say “no.” “So no.”

If the situation is hopeless and you have to agree, despite all your desires-preferences-gratitude-opportunities:
mark the frames. “Yes, I will do this report for you, but this last time, I don't want anymore." “Yes, I’ll give you money, but not a thousand, but five hundred, I don’t have more.”

Homework: Try to practice with someone in pairs. Let this person play the role of a “supplicant” and let him try to come to you different options: threats, blackmail, entreaty, whining, bargaining, ingratiation, sucking up, and you try to resist and answer “no.” Some options will seem easy to you, and some will seem difficult - focus on them.

In real work with a client on this request, in addition to trainings like the one above and others, we would simultaneously deal with the causes of difficulties, find out what beliefs underlie this client’s “inability” to say “no,” and thereby work in two planes: his skill and what’s in his head.

So, summary....
1 There is a NO - reasoned.
2. NO - after active listening and feedback.
3. NO - looped for those who do not want to listen and hear. Or doesn't want to understand.
In severe cases, all three methods are used.

“No” is one of the shortest words in any language, but it is also one of the most difficult words to pronounce. Ph.D. psychologist Ellen Hendriksen explains why each of us should learn to say no without feeling guilty when refusing, and suggests seven simple ways rejecting onerous requests.

Each of us has found ourselves in this situation: you are overwhelmed with your own affairs, but then you receive a magical call from a friend, or an e-mail from a partner, or a colleague simply approaches you with a request to do something for him/her/them. Asks for a “small favor.” You would be happy to help, but your short life, it seems, is not even enough to clear up even your own affairs, let alone other people’s.

Sometimes we say yes because the offer promises us relaxation, new emotions or other bonuses. However, more often we experience nothing but disappointment: we feel bad, we feel obligated, offended or feel that we are being pressured. And when we are forced to refuse, we are almost guaranteed to feel guilty.

Doctor philosophical sciences, psychologist and author of the Savvy Psychologist blog Ellen Hendriksen, who herself often finds herself in similar situations, wrote a short note for Quickanddirtytips.com, where she explained why everyone should learn to say “no” without feeling guilty, and suggested mastering 7 simple ways refusal. We invite you to familiarize yourself with this small but useful list, written not without a grain of irony.

How to learn to say “no” without feeling guilty

Let's start with why you shouldn't feel guilty when you have to say “no!” First, guilt is an emotion that occurs when you do something wrong. If you have hurt someone, it is appropriate to feel guilty. When you say no, it may create some additional hassle for the person you are refusing, because now he has to ask someone else or otherwise rethink the situation - but all this is far from causing pain and harm.

To make this more visual, imagine a flowchart where the word “no” simply sends someone in a different direction. Humans are purposeful and creative beings. If you tell them no, they will reorient and choose a different path. You are not Obi Wan Kenobi - it is rare for one person to be someone's only hope. There are almost always other options that can provide the desired benefit to those who need it.

Second, we often feel guilty because we not only think we are hurting the other person, but we expect them to retaliate. We think, “She will hate me,” “He will be angry,” or “I will get fired.” Our brain plays out the worst-case scenario. Instead, let's take a step back and look at other, much more likely possibilities that our brains miss by immediately focusing on the most negative scenario.

Ask yourself - what could be the more likely scenario? Perhaps the person asking you for something will be disappointed at first, but will understand you and get help somewhere else. Or let's better generate the most likely scenario this way: what happens when someone tells you no? Do you start to get rowdy, your blood vessels burst and you start foaming at the mouth? I think not. So why this double standard? It's reasonable to expect others to react the same way you do—that is, quite reasonable.

So, here are 7 ways to say “no!”:

Method #1: Offer an alternative.

This is the easiest way to say no. Decline the request, but offer a consolation prize. “My schedule simply doesn’t allow me to proofread my dissertation before the due date, but here’s a link to a great article about the five biggest dissertation writing mistakes to avoid.” Just make sure you're not offering an alternative purely out of guilt; your goal is to try to actually be helpful to the questioner, not just to feel less guilty.

Method #2: Use empathy when saying no.

Showing that you truly heard and understood the person's request will help them feel better, even if you ultimately can't do anything for them. Confirm that he is doing his best or that he is dealing with a difficult task. For example, “You go out of your way to have a great wedding for your sister; I would like to take over the organization so I can free your hands, but right now I just can’t.”

Method #3: Refer to something objective.

Attribute your unavailability to your schedule, workload, other responsibilities, or other external circumstances beyond your control. And to avoid awkwardness during the follow-up question, “Are you busy this week? Then how about the next one?", add: "I'll let you know if anything changes."

Method #4: Refer to something subjective.

In the same vein as you cite external circumstances, use internal subjective factors that influence you. For example, refer to your taste, skills, style. For example, “I’m going to refuse to host this event because being on stage is simply not my thing.”

Method #5: Wrap refusal a compliment.

Say “no”, but in such a way that this “no” turns out to be a compliment for the one who asks you for something. “Thank you for thinking about me” or “I appreciate the opportunity you gave me and for asking me in the first place.” Personally, I try to do this when fundraisers stop me on the street - I only donate occasionally, but I always tell them they are doing important work and wish them luck.

Method #6: Stick to your arguments, don't let your guard down.

We've come to more advanced tips. Some loved ones will push you and ask you more than once, or pester you to try until they completely tire you out (some of these loved ones may be no more than 10 years old; two such creatures live in my house) .

In such cases, it's normal to use the classic broken record technique of simply giving the same answer over and over again. This doesn't mean you're callous - you can empathize with them, embrace them, but you shouldn't let your answer transform from "no" to "maybe" and - eventually - to "Well, okay, just this once." " and "Great, let's do it again." Just stick to the original - "no".

Method #7: Say no without apologizing.

This is the final lesson about “no.” Just like guilt, apology occurs when you do something wrong. It may seem like there is a fine line between not apologizing and being rude, but believe me, a softly said “no” can be both gracious and polite. The questioner won't even miss that "I'm so sorry" of yours. For example, “What a great idea to make handmade decorations for the reunion! However, it is worth noting that I am not a woman. But I can make a good sangria.” Ta-dam! No apology required.

Final tip: Make your “no” quick and clear. Don't delay your answer by saying what you'll think about it, saying "maybe" or answering "yes" and then "no." You may feel like saying “no” is wrong, but in the long run, a clear, timely response is more polite and actually serves the best interests of the person asking you for something.

For those of us who like to think we can do everything, learning to say no can feel like too much of a disadvantage. But we don't have to be the supermom, jack-of-all-trades, or you-can-always-count-on-me persona to our friends. And when we don't try to do all this, we get our bonuses: time, energy, and - most importantly - respect.

I often hear from friends and clients that it happens it's very difficult to say no: It is difficult to refuse any persistent applicant. And it seems like you don’t want to do what they ask, and because of this you have to somehow limit yourself or change your plans, or some kind of situation will develop at work, which is inconvenient... but still, you can’t dare to refuse.

What is this - a weakness of character? Low self-esteem? Desire to please everyone? Inability to defend your opinion?

No. More precisely, the reasons may be different: someone is convinced that they will offend the applicant with their refusal, someone feels initially obliged to this person, someone believes that showing aggression is indecent.

Some people don't even understand why “I always do everything to everyone’s detriment and I feel like complete crap". When it comes to unwanted requests in a working relationship, there are so many complications involved, one feeling "he is my boss" what is it worth?

Although it also happens the other way around: subordinates pin their requests on the leader. And he takes them and sits with them until the evening neurosis in the office.

Let's immediately discard the options when you you can and want respond to the request, that is, the request is appropriate, justified, and environmentally friendly for you (in the sense that you are actually able to fulfill it, and there is no need to fly to Mars).

This only applies to cases where you don't want to comply with this request. Well, you don’t want to lend money again, especially since you lent it twice before, and so far you haven’t seen the money back. Well, you don’t want to take in your neighbor’s cat for a week while your neighbor is away. You don’t want to do this work again, which your colleague should actually do, and you don’t seem to want to spoil your relationship with her, so you’ll be harnessed to her again. That's what we're talking about.

How to say “no” and not feel guilty?

• Firstly, it is a misconception that “no” is unjustified aggression, pettiness, and an insult to others. More precisely, "no" is: personality, freedom, employment, physical body, in the end. Let's imagine for a moment this analogy: a state border. Border guards with dogs and machine guns periodically walk back and forth along it. Some kind of surveillance may be underway. Somewhere there is a checkpoint, somewhere there is barbed wire. And then suddenly there is an attack from outside: a group of armed men is trying to cross the border. Are the actions being taken to stop them unjustified aggression towards the violators? Is this petty? Is this offensive to them? It is clear that no.

Another thing is that you can place these border guards, dogs, checkpoints every centimeter, wrap everything with barbed wire, scatter mines along the entire border, and God forbid some bird flies or the wind blows - immediately there will be half a day of shooting and explosions. This way, no one is guaranteed to ever get to you. So you will sit alone in your room.

For preventive purposes, it is possible to periodically set dogs on passers-by or conduct military exercises in the direction of other states and test new bombs on their territory. So they will be afraid of you and are also unlikely to interfere, because they are reluctant to be friends with you. I'm not talking about such options now. If someone needs to protect themselves so much, or vice versa, to test the protection of others so much - please, I’m not talking about that. I'm talking about normal, democratic coexistence of neighboring states on equal terms, when one of the states tries to use the resources of another state, and it - against this.

• Secondly, you refuse not the person personally, but his request. Separate these two concepts. Again, let’s imagine your colleague comes and says: please give me a thousand before my salary? You never know for some reason you don’t want to lend her money. Remember that in fact, you have nothing against this colleague, she is a nice girl with her cockroaches (and who doesn’t have them), but you just don’t want to give her money. So refuse this request. And not the girl.
• Thirdly, no need to apologize or make excuses. You can explain your position, but you should not apologize or make excuses. “Sorry that we can’t let you in,” say the border guards, looking down guiltily. “We would be happy to let you through...but we are on a leash and muzzled...Sorry. Next time we will definitely. Please forgive me,” the dogs say, lowering their muzzles guiltily. And a group of armed comrades, meanwhile, slowly makes their way deeper, remembering that such mumblers live here. How can I explain without making excuses - “I can’t help you with this project now, because I have a meeting in half an hour and need to get ready.” Or: “I can’t lend you money, because I’ve already lent you two times, but you haven’t returned it yet.” Or “I can’t go to the bar with you because I want to go home, I’m tired and there’s a lot to do at home.”
• Fourthly, Do not overestimate the possible damage from your refusal. They didn’t let a group of armed people into the territory, they went home, poor things, they fell to the ground, broke their weapons, cried, and never, ever came to you again. Or they stopped considering you their friend. (Seriously? And before that, when they were going to take advantage of you, did they really consider you their best friend? They asked for money out of friendly motives, something like: “I’ll help my friend now, I’ll ask him to borrow money, but I won’t give it back will".)
• Fifth, when you say no, don’t show with your body that “yes”. “Passing is prohibited!” - the border guards shouted, pointing with their hands and heads where they could safely pass by. No, no, no, and there’s no need to nod your head.

Techniques for saying “no” to an annoying petitioner:

• Rephrase the request(“Do you want me to go with you to Ikea on Saturday and help you choose a closet?”). This will give you time to consider whether you want to comply with this request or not. In addition, you will thereby let the petitioner know that you heard and understood his request. That is, you clearly don't give a damn. If you can’t decide right now, take your time, say that you’ll call back, come back later, think about it in the evening, etc.
• If it's for work - try to thank that you have been contacted. “Thank you for coming to me with this problem.” This will help you create the impression that you are actually responsive and considerate to others.
• After rephrasing and thanking you, you probably already know by now whether you want to do it or not. If you don't want to, explain, why: desires, possibilities, preferences. Aloud. “I’m going to go to the dacha on Saturday, so I won’t have time to go to Ikea with you.” “The last time I helped you on this project, I came home very late at night, I don’t want to do that anymore.” If you still don’t understand whether you want to meet halfway or not: see point one of technical techniques.
• Actually say “no”. “So no.”

If the situation is hopeless and you have to agree, despite all your desires-preferences-gratitude-opportunities:

• Designate the framework. “Yes, I will do this report for you, but this is the last time, I don’t want any more.” “Yes, I’ll give you money, but not a thousand, but five hundred, I don’t have more.”

Homework: Try to practice with someone in pairs. Let this person play the role of a “supplicant” and let him try different options for you: threats, blackmail, entreaty, whining, bargaining, ingratiation, sucking up, and you try to resist and answer “no”. Some options will seem easy to you, and some will seem difficult - focus on them.

Do you think it's nearly impossible to say "no" to someone, no matter the reason, without feeling guilty? If you can barely say no to someone—your boss, or another important person—without feeling terrible about it, then you need to work hard at prioritizing your needs more than others'. You should say yes when you know you can complete a task, that it's within your power, or even when you just need to help a friend. But if you always say “yes” only because you are afraid to say “no,” then it’s time to act and take the situation into your own hands, getting rid of the guilt. If you want to know how, just follow the following tips.

Steps

Meditate

Understand that you can't do absolutely everything. Your bad habit of saying “yes” to everyone has probably resulted in you having no time for yourself. You've probably said "yes" to a friend asking for help with a bake sale, "yes" to a boss who needs help managing a project, "yes" to a friend who's renovating his home. You can avoid such situations in the future by starting to say no.

• Whether it's because you're struggling to get things done—whether you've said yes to too many people or because of other commitments in your busy life—learn that it's impossible to say yes when it doesn't feel right.

1. Understand that you are not selfish. One of the biggest reasons people can't say no without feeling guilty is because they think they're being selfish by focusing more on themselves and saying no to people who need their help. But if you were selfish, you would think only of yourself and would not feel guilty for such refusals.

   • Understand that you are not being selfish, and if someone decides that you are selfish for not doing something, you should not communicate with this person.
   • Think about all the times you've said yes to people - what's so selfish about that?

2. Understand that it is impossible to please everyone. It's simply impossible to please everyone and everyone around you, sometimes you have to draw a line. You may feel like you'll upset someone by saying no and thereby losing their respect, but sometimes the truth is quite the opposite. If a person thinks that you answer “yes” to every request, he simply begins to use you to fulfill his whims.

   • You can help those you care about from time to time, but it is unrealistic to help everyone all the time - think sensibly.

3. Think about everything you say yes to when you say no." Don't treat the word "no" as something negative. When you say no extra work, you say “yes” to many interesting activities that will bring you much more benefit. If you think about all these much more pleasant things, then the feeling of guilt will not weigh on you so much. Here are some of them:

   • You say yes more time spent with family, friends and loved ones instead of doing things you don't like.
   • You say yes to maintaining your sanity, “me time,” and time for hobbies and things that interest you.
   • You say “yes” to a calmer and more measured life, the center of which is what is important to you, and not to someone else.
   • You say yes to normal employment instead of burying yourself in piles of paperwork and extra hours of work because you can't let someone down.

4. Understand why it's so hard for you to say no. Because you are afraid that they will stop talking to you? Because you don’t want to look like an indifferent person? When you know why it is so difficult for you to refuse someone, it is much easier for you to take rational control of the situation.

   • If you are afraid to say “no” because then the person will no longer treat you well, then your relationship is clearly problematic - it is better to end it as soon as possible.

5. Recognize certain tricks people use to get you to say yes.. If you can understand all the tricks by which people manipulate you into saying yes when you want to say no, then refusing will become much easier - you will understand that the person is simply controlling your actions. Here are some common methods:

   • Intimidation: The Bully insists that you must do something, in a rather dishonest and even aggressive manner. You can put such a person in his place simply by keeping a cool head and ignoring his anger.
   • Whining: A whiner will complain about how hard it is for him until you break down and offer to help, even if he didn't ask for help. Instead, change the subject, or walk away from the conversation, or simply sympathize without agreeing to help.
   • Blame: Some may try to blame you for being never don't help, or never don't get into position. Calmly remind him of the times you helped this person and refuse his request. This time it's different.
   • Flattery: A flatterer may start to admire you about how smart and wonderful you are, and then ask for help with something. Don't be fooled by his sweet talk and don't agree just because you're flattered.

   Be reasonable

   1. Speak in a calm, even voice. Use the same tone as when you ask someone to answer the phone. May your mind be clear, confident and calm. When you speak excitedly, embarrassed or upset, the other person senses these weaknesses and tries to put pressure on you. When you are calm, the interlocutor understands that your words are justified, and it is completely normal that sometimes you refuse requests.

      • If you don't raise your voice or whine, the other person will be much more willing to accept your point of view.

   2. Learn powerful body language. Stand up straight and hold your arms straight, or use gestures to draw more attention to your words. Make eye contact with the other person when you tell them “no” so that they know you are completely serious. Do not fuss or fiddle with the jewelry with your hands, otherwise this will reveal your indecision regarding the decision you have made. Don't close yourself off from your interlocutor or cross your arms over your chest - it looks like you're unhappy by decision and you can be convinced.

   3. Don't overdo your apology. If you're sorry that you can't do a job, it's enough to say, "I'm sorry," but the more you apologize, the less decisive it sounds. The person may think that they still have a chance to beg you to do something, and you will only make yourself look like a weak person who regretted not taking the job. If you apologize too many times, it will look like you are doing something wrong, which is completely unnecessary.

      • Don't say, "I'm really, really sorry I can't walk your dog next weekend. I feel really, really bad."
      • Instead, say, "I'm sorry, but I won't have time to walk your dog next weekend."

   4. Explain why you can't do this. A brief explanation will help the person understand why you denied their request. There is no need to go into details; one or two sentences are enough for the interlocutor to understand everything. You don't have to lie or make up excuses. Just be honest. Here are some reasons why you can't do something:

      • "I can't finish the project tonight as I have a report to complete by midnight."
      • “I won’t be able to take you to the dentist tomorrow because my husband and I will be celebrating our anniversary.”
      • "I won't be able to come to your party because I have an exam the next morning."

   5. Offer your interlocutor alternative options. If you still feel guilty about the refusal and sincerely want to help the person, try offering other options to solve the problem. If you really can help, but in a different way, don’t be afraid to say so, perhaps it will be better for both of you. Here are some examples of offering an alternative:

      • "I can try to finish the project tomorrow, but only if you can help call some of my clients in the morning."
      • "Should I lend you my car tomorrow so you can go to the doctor? I don't need it tomorrow anyway."
      • "I won't be able to come to your party, but I'd really like to meet you this weekend when I take an important exam. How about lunch together? I'd really like to hear your opinion."

From the experience of working as a teacher-psychologist at a preschool educational institution

Saying “No” - can you learn it? Yes of course you can! If you want. And do a little work. The ability to say “no” does not come immediately; it is associated with a sense of respect for oneself, one’s desires, and perception of oneself as an independent person with one’s own system of values ​​and priorities in life. If you decide to refuse, then you need to start by admitting that your interlocutor is right: “Yes, I understand your desires, but I cannot agree to this. Sorry." You can explain why you refuse, or you don’t have to explain, that’s your right. The word “Sorry” is important and necessary. By apologizing, you are performing a social ritual that implies the continued preservation of the relationship. You do not deny a person everything at once, nor exclude him from your environment for the rest of his life. Are you in at the moment are not ready to share their resources, be it material assets, time, physical effort or mental strength. You ask for forgiveness for this: “Sorry, I can’t do it today.”
It is believed that it is enough to repeat an action three times with confidence so that it becomes part of your experience and is repeated in the future, if not automatically, then with less physical and mental difficulties. After you refuse in this way several times, you will no longer feel guilty. In addition, you will feel freer and will be able to devote more time to activities and activities that truly excite you. A pleasant, quiet evening at home with your favorite magazine, book, a new hobby, extra time to communicate with your son or daughter - this is what you will gain if you learn to pronounce a small simple word - “no”. Comfortably develop assertive behavior, self-confidence, and teach your children assertive communication techniques - the art correct refusal. Parents need to learn to refuse our beloved children at one, two, and twenty years old, despite any tears and material possibilities. The child must be taught what is expressed in a short word of three letters (and this is a sacred parental duty, regardless of the situation in society) - he must understand what “NO” is. If we cope with this, we will cope with the most important task of education, and we will intelligently form the moral world of the child.
When talking with children, it is important to use the pronoun I instead of vague formulations and the subjunctive mood - this is one of the key characteristics of confident behavior. Keep an eye on this! If you don't identify yourself, it's always interpreted as uncertainty. A brief and clear rationale is a sign of confidence. An aggressive refusal contains no justification at all; insecure people start with a justification, get stuck in it, and, ultimately, completely forget to say the key word “No” (After all, everything is already clear! – the fact of the matter is that it’s not clear!).
So: first a refusal, then a brief and clear justification. Don't react to provocations. They must be waited out and listened to. Provocations will follow each other. Don't mind! Don't ask questions! Don't get into discussions! Say "No"! You have the right to say “NO” without feeling guilty.

Techniques for refusing your interlocutor
(G.B. Monina, E.K. Lyutova-Roberts)
Technique name: Straightforward "no"
The essence of the technique: We simply say “no”, confidently and convincingly, without apology or justification.
Examples of statements:“No”, “No, no, I can’t do this”, “No, I prefer not to do this”

Efficiency of use: Convenient to use in cases where we do not want to reveal the real reason refusal. We have every right to do this.
Technique name: Reflexive "no"
The essence of technology: We reflect the content and/or feelings of the interlocutor by adding our “no” at the end.
Examples of statements:“I understand that this is very important for you, but, unfortunately, I won’t be able to do it.”
Efficiency of use: Effective when we, even despite understanding the interlocutor’s problem, cannot and/or do not want to fulfill his request
Name of the technique: Reasonable “no”
The essence of the technique: We say “no” and briefly reveal the real reason for our refusal.
Examples of statements:“I won’t be able to do this because I’m very busy with work in the next few days.”
Efficiency of use: Effective if we have serious reason for refusal and are ready to sincerely reveal it
Name of the technique: Delayed "no"
The essence of the technique: We do not give an answer immediately, but ask the interlocutor to give time to think about it.
Examples of statements:“I need to think. I'll tell you later"
Efficiency of use: Effective if we are not sure that we can fulfill the request and/or cannot decide for ourselves whether we want to do it or not.
Technique name: A compromise “no”, or “no” halfway.
The essence of the technique: We say that in principle we could fulfill the request, but under conditions that are convenient for us.
Examples of statements:"I can't do it today, but I could do it tomorrow"
Efficiency of use: This refusal is effective if we are sincerely ready to fulfill the request, but on different terms
Technique name: Diplomatic “no”, or “no” in small things.
The essence of the technique: We do not openly say “no”, but sincerely invite them to negotiations, finding out what real help we could provide.
Examples of statements:“Could I help you in any other way?”
Efficiency of use: This refusal is effective if we are ready to help the interlocutor, but his conditions do not completely suit us.
The essence of the technique: We are ready to fulfill the request as a whole, but we refuse to fulfill some details, trying to find a mutually acceptable solution.